Sunday, August 5, 2012

Twenty Weeks (and a half)

My happiness since discovering what your gender is has increased exponentially, however my self esteem has taken a turn for the worse. Things are growing, expanding, cramping, bloating, swelling that I never thought possible and its all making me scared I will never have my own body back again. Everyone tells me that these thoughts are normal and to keep myself busy dreaming of your baby fingers wrapping around mine and so I do, or at least I try my damnedest. I feel you moving now, or at least I think (and hope) that's what it is. Its usually only noticeable when I am trying to sleep which I guess is your way of preparing me for when you finally arrive, thank you for that. They say that you can hear now so I try to remember to put music on while I am getting ready for work and sing to you but sleep is precious these days and looking "presentable" (especially for work) has taken the backseat. I usually end up rubbing you and telling you all the things I have planned for you before I drift off. I am currently in a daze trying to plan this baby shower, there is a lot that goes with it and I guess my Mommy instincts are coming in because I want this to be perfect for you, even though you clearly wont care. I am certain this will still ring true for holidays, birthdays, "firsts", and everything in between. My emotions lately are at an all time high, I cry over cheesy reality shows and I cry at random thoughts that cross my mind, and its not just tears, I will sit there and ugly cry. I miss your Daddy a lot more than usual lately too, I'm not exactly sure why that is because I can usually suppress it with keeping myself busy or sleeping those stupid thoughts away. I always thought that having a piece of him with me (thats you!) would make it easier, but its quite the opposite, I want him to know every little thing and feel every little thing and see every little thing that I do. I do the best I can with modern technology but its just not the same. Soon, I just gotta keep telling myself it will all be worth it. Just like you'll be worth every morning hunched over the toilet, every pound I gain, and every penny spent. I love you sweet boy.


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